[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with the continuing investigation
of Donald Trump and Russia, a scandal that we've been
referring to as "Stupid Watergate,"
because it has all the potential consequences of Watergate,
but everyone involved is really stupid.
This week, the news centered on Congressman Devin Nunes,
the most Devin Devin in the history of Devins.
His parents actually wanted to name him something else,
but the birth certificate just wrote "Devin" on itself.
You may remember, last week he made headlines
with a seemingly huge claim.
- Congressman Devin Nunes dropped a bombshell today.
He said President Trump's transition team
and the president's personal communications may have been
caught up in, quote, "incidental surveillance."
- Now, that initially sounded like it could
back up Trump's claims that President Obama wiretapped him,
but it quickly unraveled,
as Nunes conceded the surveillance was routine,
appeared to be completely legal,
occurred after the election,
and may not have even targeted Trump
or his transition team, but rather
foreign individuals discussing the transition.
And yet despite that,
Trump claimed the evidence had left him feeling
"somewhat vindicated," which is not really surprising.
Trump feels vindicated by dubious sources all the time.
"We don't need to invest in clean energy.
It says right here on the cup that 'America Runs on Dunkin'."
But there were many questions this week surrounding Nunes,
a man who looks like the guy every 13-year-old
wishes her mom would stop dating.
For instance, why did he make such a big show
of racing to the White House to share his information
with President Trump,
especially in light of this revelation?
- "The New York Times" reported White House officials
were the source of intelligence reports
given to House Intelligence Chair Devin Nunes.
- Okay, so to recap.
Devin took what appears to be an unnecessary trip
to tell what appears to be unimportant news
to what may have been the source of the news itself.
So what Nunes brought to light has turned out to be
a bunch of smoke and mirrors
as convoluted as it is pointless.
Truly, it is the "Now You See Me" of revelations.
But wait, wait, because Stupid Watergate
found a way to get even stupider,
because the surveillance Nunes was studying
concerned the Trump transition team,
of which one member was, yeah, you guessed it,
Devin fucking Nunes.
Which seems like a pretty clear conflict of interest.
So it was important for Republicans to make clear
just how independent he is from the White House,
but they couldn't even do that properly.
- You have to keep in mind who he works for.
He works for the president. He answers to the president.
- Does he or does he work
the constituents of his district?
- Well, you do both.
- No!
No, You absolutely do not!
You do one of them and explicitly not the other.
That is literally the whole point of Congress.
And that is why this story is Stupid Watergate.
It could very well take down the government,
but nobody involved understands why, or how to cover it up,
or what the government fucking is,
or possibly how to breathe
without getting regular reminders.
So for now let's move on to the United Kingdom,
the country whose most beloved children's book
is about friendless child
who thinks a bear with an eating disorder
and a depressed donkey are talking to him.
It has been almost a year since the UK voted to leave the EU,
and the process of doing that began this Wednesday.
- In accordance with the wishes of the British people,
the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union.
[subdued cheering]
This is an historic moment
from which there can be no turning back.
- Wow, the electricity in that room is palpable.
Even her phrasing is ominous, though.
"A historic moment from which there can be no turning back,"
could just as easily apply to getting a Limp Bizkit tattoo,
or the moment after your cult drank their suicide potions.
The UK has now initiated Article 50 of the EU treaty,
triggering a two-year negotiating process,
leading up to a withdrawal from the EU in March of 2019.
So we're facing 24 months of promising to pull out,
or as Sting calls it, a one-night stand.
Now, it was initiated, this process,
by hand-delivering a letter
to the President of the European Council,
which began, "Dear President Tusk."
Which really should be the start of a letter you write
to a walrus president,
but sadly it was a breakup letter
to an actual person named Donald Tusk,
who seemed understandably devastated.
- There's no reason to pretend that this is a happy day,
neither in Brussels nor in London.
What--what can I add to this?
We--we already miss you.
Thank you and good-bye.
- Oh, come on, Tusky!
Don't be sad!
If it helps, you will get over Britain.
And if you do ever find yourself missing it,
here's what works for me.
Just stare at this picture of an angry old woman
in a racist T-shirt eating beans on toast in the rain,
because that is what you're actually leaving behind.
Although, to be fair, not everybody was gloomy
about the news this week.
Take Nigel Farage, former UKIP leader
and current spokesmodel for Smug Dickhead Moisturizer.
The moisturizer that gives you that smug dickhead glow.
He was absolutely thrilled.
- Today's the day for me, after 25 years of campaigning,
that the impossible dream came true.
I'm delighted.
- Well, that is genuinely horrible.
Because, and you really should know this,
every time one of Nigel Farage's dreams come true,
somewhere in the world, an angel gets diarrhea.
The truth here is, though, never mind leaving the EU.
It is going to be really hard
for the UK to keep itself together.
This vote has divided the British public.
The BBC even chose to illustrate
this division among Britain's citizens
with a not entirely dignified visual aid.
- So how does our jury feel about triggering Article 50?
We gave them emoji paddles:
happy, unhappy, or worried and confused.
Please vote now.
Four happy, three worried, one unhappy.
Our jury, and indeed Britain, is deeply divided
on its reaction to the triggering of Article 50.
- Now, I know that looks stupid,
but honestly British people are so emotionally repressed,
emojis are actually the best way
to get a coherent sentiment out of us.
It's pretty much that, or baking competitions.
"Let this Victorian sponge cake say what I never can.
I'm collapsing inside."
And with that in mind, like many British people,
I'm really struggling to find the words
for how difficult and depressing
the next two years are going to be.
So if I may try in emoji form.
Europe is feeling crying kitty cat at the moment,
while Nigel Farage has a full, throbbing eggplant.
And I personally am hovering between crying face and handgun,
because it seems our best-case scenario
is to just pray emoji that this does not turn into
a flaming pile of shit.
And now, this.
- If I pinched your butt, would you call police?
The answer is no.
I'll answer for you, Mr. Rose.
- Would you pinch my butt, is the question.
- We're pro-love on "CBS This Morning."
- Pro-love, yes we are.
- The news is back and so is love.
- So is love. - Love and sex are here.
- Whoa, okay. You just went there.
- You should see what I'm wearing underneath this dress.
- Ah-ha!
- You should see what Charlie wears underneath his shirt.
- Whoo!
Norah, it's getting hot in here!
- Norah knows.
- There ain't nothing shrinking about Charlie Rose.
- Brain, nope. Brain ain't shrinking.
I could say something else, but I'm not.
- You want me to just be around you more?
- Yeah, be around, yeah.
- I can do that. - I could get more done.
I love you.
- So Charlie, what time should Gayle and I come over tonight?
- Well, whenever.
- Do you want us to bring anything
or will dinner be served?
- Do you remember the answer last year?
It was bring your sister? Remember?
- I think I need to go on a boat with Mr. Charlie Rose, Gayle.
All right. - I'm game.
- Me too. - Yeah, I'm game.
- Me too. - Oh, boy, this is why
I'm the luckiest man in the world, right here.
- Moving on, our main story tonight
concerns marijuana.
Basically, catnip for people.
It has gained increasing acceptance in recent years.
In fact, one small bright spot on election night
was pro-marijuana referenda passing in eight states.
- It's official!
[cheering and applauding]
- A big win for lovers of weed.
[cheering]
- Well, we are really excited.
I mean, this is a huge victory, not just for Californians,
but for really the country and the world.
- Everybody here should be so excited by this.
- It's a little weird that those celebrations happened
the same night that Trump was elected.
It's like celebrating your baseball team winning
on the deck of the sinking "Titanic."
"Bit of a mixed bag today, but still,
Go Sox! Yankees suck!"
Now as it stands, 44 states now have some form
of medical marijuana law,
and eight have laws allowing recreational use,
and that is good news.
The war on drugs was futile, expensive,
and imposed overly-harsh penalties,
especially on African-Americans, who police data suggest
are over four times more likely to be arrested
for marijuana possession.
Although interestingly, white people are a million times
more likely to be shocked by that statistic.
And this is clearly no longer a fringe issue.
- In 1969, a Gallup poll showed
12% favored legalization.
Today it's 60%.
- Exactly, marijuana is something
we've just all gradually decided is okay.
Like Mark Wahlberg as a serious actor.
You know what...sure.
I've decided I'm fine with that.
But the legality of marijuana
is actually much more fraught than you may think.
In fact, if you have marijuana right now,
even if you're acting completely legally
according to your state,
you may still be in serious jeopardy,
and that's not your weed-induced paranoia talking.
You could lose your home, job, or possessions, Greg.
And yeah, I know I'm freaking the shit
out of any stoned viewer named Greg right now.
But that is not a bad thing,
because this story is genuinely worth worrying about.
And let's begin with going back to why marijuana
is so heavily regulated in the first place.
It was legal at the start of the 20th century,
but anti-drug hysteria,
fueled partly by racist stereotypes
about who was using it,
led to it being gradually outlawed around the country.
And naturally, it was Richard Nixon,
the Mozart of racially motivated lawmaking,
who targeted it in his "War on Drugs,"
for reasons that he was open about,
in conversations he inexplicably recorded.
Yes. Yes.
Quick historical footnote.
You know who he's talking to there?
Billy Bush, yeah.
Turns out people just open up to that guy!
Always have.
Now, Nixon--
Nixon signed the Controlled Substances Act in 1970,
and it's still in effect today.
Marijuana is classified as a Schedule I drug,
the highest classification, alongside heroin.
Schedule II, a step down,
features drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine.
And marijuana is not a Schedule I
any more than a hedgehog is an apex predator.
You're not scaring anyone, Roland.
Get a tattoo.
But that federal law is constantly clashing
with new state laws, and it's causing big problems.
For instance, legal marijuana businesses
have struggled to get bank accounts,
because at the federal level,
they are still seen as criminal enterprises.
So if banks took their deposits,
that could be considered money-laundering.
And this has meant that businesses
had to operate all-cash.
- A hundred percent of our revenue comes in cash.
This is federal taxes that we pay in cash.
Also our payroll when we pay all 12 employees,
they're getting envelopes of cash.
These are state taxes.
- That is a shitty way to be forced to do business.
On the suspicious scale, "cash-stuffed envelopes"
rank somewhere between
"unfurled hundreds dusted in white powder"
and "a wad of damp ones containing a single pubic hair."
And if you are wondering why he was talking
about paying his federal taxes,
yeah, amazingly, under federal tax law,
you must declare income
even if the source of it is illegal.
The tax code even has provisions like,
"If you receive a bribe, include it in your income"
and, "If you steal property,
you must report its fair market value."
Which seems such an obvious trap to catch criminals,
it should really be listed on the form as,
"This is a trap. "Are you really this stupid?
"Oh, my God, you're filling out a federal form admitting guilt?
Aren't you, you dumb, dumb idiot?"
So marijuana businesses have all the tax liabilities
of other businesses,
but what they don't get is one major advantage.
- The agency bars them
from making most normal business deductions.
- You know, you could end up with a tax bill far more than,
you know, any potential profit you could ever make.
- That's right, you can't deduct certain expenses.
And that can mean that you pay
double the amount of tax that you would
if you were selling any other product,
and just think about that.
That means the shop where you bought your weed
may pay double the amount of taxes
paid by the shop where you ordered that shitty pizza, Greg.
Yeah, I'm talking to you again, Greg.
I told you this was important. Pay attention!
And it is not just businesses facing difficulties.
It's customers, too.
Just look at Brandon Coats,
who was paralyzed from a car accident as a teenager.
Now, he had a prescription for medical marijuana,
but he was fired from his job at the Dish Network
after he failed a drug test.
- What was it like for you when they said,
"We don't want you to work here anymore?"
- Well, it was devastating.
I mean, it's hard enough for somebody like me to get a job.
People look at me like they probably don't think
that I can do what I can, you know?
- Did you think because you had a medical-marijuana card,
that you had license to go ahead and use it?
- Well, I was under the impression that we had
passed a law and that we had made it legal.
- Yeah, it's frankly understandable
that he thought he was doing nothing wrong.
The state had given him a license
to use medical marijuana legally,
and yet he got fired anyway.
And also he couldn't turn
to the Americans with Disabilities Act for help,
because that is a federal law
and it doesn't protect marijuana use.
All of which is pretty frustrating.
That's like driving exactly the speed limit
and getting pulled over by a cop who tells you,
"Sorry, the federal speed limit is three,
"and the legal age to drive is 62,
"and also you have to be drunk.
Surprise, you're fucking under arrest now."
And even if you are only dealing with your government
at the state level,
decades of enforcing anti-drug laws
can result in local officials making big mistakes,
as two Michigan parents, one of whom treated
his epileptic seizures with marijuana,
discovered in 2013.
- Steve and Maria Green of Lansing
helplessly watched as their infant daughter, Bree,
was taken from their care. The reason given?
The state-sanctioned medical marijuana users' home
was too dangerous for their six-month old
because of the plants inside.
- It would place our residence
at a higher rate of armed robbery
and therefore was an imminent danger
for my child to be removed.
- That is just completely absurd.
"If you have valuable items in your home,
we might take your children."
Although I will say, that's gonna add some real excitement
to "The Price is Right" from now on.
"Oh, I really want that entertainment center,
"but I love my kids.
"Fuck it, sorry Tommy,
"Daddy's going for the plasma screen!
It's a dream, son, a dream of mine!"
And look, I know that some people will say,
"Well, hold on, the medical efficacy of marijuana
needs a lot more study," and that is true.
The problem is, it's very difficult to do that,
because again, federal laws are standing in the way.
To study marijuana, you need approval
from three different federal agencies,
which can take years.
In fact, one scientist was forced to wait six years
just to begin studying its effects on PTSD,
which is a long time.
I frankly wouldn't blame her if she'd just said,
"Fuck it, I'm studying, 'Does chocolate during sex
"help red wine make you lose weight?'
At least that way I'll get to go on 'The Today Show!'"
And if you're conducting a federally-approved study
on marijuana, you can only get it from one place.
- Dr. Mahmoud ElSohly oversees
the University of Mississippi's Marijuana Project.
Its mission: to aid law enforcement and produce pot
for federal study, mostly related to addiction.
- For all intents and purposes,
you're the government's sole producer of marijuana.
- Correct.
- It's true.
The sole source of government-sanctioned marijuana
is that guy, at the University of Mississippi.
So please update your stereotypes
about the University of Mississippi,
which I believe is the official slogan
of the University of Mississippi.
And while researchers wait for marijuana
to study whether it helps with PTSD,
plenty of veterans will tell you,
it absolutely does.
Take Danny Belcher.
He's a Vietnam vet who'd been prescribed
a great deal of medication for pain and depression,
but, as he told the Kentucky legislature in 2014,
he found that when he tried marijuana,
it started really helping him.
- I do have my bowl of pot in my house,
and if I wake up at night and had a nightmare,
when I'm wringing wet with sweat...
and I see Kramer, his dead body,
Rodriguez, his dead body...
If that nightmare gets so bad I can't wake up
and realize it's just a nightmare,
I will light that pipe up, I'll be a criminal,
I'll go back to sleep.
But next morning, I will get up at 6:00 like I always do,
my four days a week I go to the gym, I run.
I help other veterans.
I couldn't do that if I was on the damn drugs the VA had me on.
- Exactly.
So for all the talk you hear of marijuana
being a "gateway drug," in his case,
that gateway led to peaceful sleep,
rigorous exercise, and community service.
Pretty nice fucking gate it turns out.
Nice one to walk through, if you get the chance.
Now, you may have noticed
that he said he's acting like a criminal there,
which is a little odd, because Kentucky actually has
a medical marijuana law on the books.
But the shortcomings of that law touch on many of the reasons
why "legal marijuana"
can actually be a bit of a gray area.
For a start, Kentucky's law has many restrictions.
It only applies to one marijuana product,
and it requires a written order, or a prescription,
and that is a real problem.
Because under federal law, it is technically illegal
for any doctor to write you a prescription for marijuana.
Now so most states, they get around that by just calling
for a recommendation or certification,
which doctors can give you.
But even if Kentucky's law did that,
if Danny went to his doctors at the VA,
they couldn't give him anything,
because they're a federal hospital.
And federal policy prohibits VA doctors
from even recommending marijuana,
regardless of state law
and regardless of their medical opinion,
which again is a bit weird.
A doctor shouldn't be ignored because he recommends marijuana.
A doctor should only be ignored because he's televised.
We all agree on that.
We're all on the same page on that one, I think.
[cheers and applause]
But here's the thing, it gets worse.
Even if Danny had a private doctor,
and Kentucky rewrote its law,
where would he get marijuana from?
Because Kentucky's law also neglected to set up any system
for legal marijuana distribution.
So he'd have to obtain it from somewhere else.
But where would he do that, and how?
Now he could have it shipped, right?
Except, no.
That would be a federal crime.
But what if he flew to a state
where marijuana is completely legal,
and just brought it back to Kentucky?
Here's the thing, no again.
That is also a federal crime.
Could he drive to a neighboring state
to get what he needs?
Unfortunately, no, because two of those states
have total prohibitions on marijuana,
and the rest don't currently recognize out-of-state patients.
Now, if you're thinking, well, hold on,
could he train a carrier pigeon
to carry the pot from Colorado?
Yes, that's good idea,
and cool bird stamp.
But--but as a practical matter there,
no, partly because it's illegal and partly because you know
the bird will eat it on the way,
stop flying, and spend the whole night giggling
about how owls seem like they have glasses but, like,
don't have glasses.
And that's crazy, right?
They don't know, but it's there, right?
The point is, if you live in Kentucky,
despite there being a law that ostensibly gives access
to medical marijuana, there's virtually no legal way
for you to get it.
Now, things fractionally improved
toward the end of the Obama administration,
because his general attitude was essentially this...
- We still have federal laws that classify marijuana
as an illegal substance,
but we're not going to spend a lot of resources
trying to turn back decisions that have been made
at the state level on this issue.
- Right.
His attitude to pot was basically,
"I'm not gonna hassle you over this
unless you make me."
Essentially, the same policy as a security guard
at a Dave Matthews concert.
And his administration issued guidelines in that spirit.
By the end of his term, it was actually a little easier
to study marijuana
and for dispensaries to get bank accounts.
But those guidelines weren't permanent,
and that could be a real problem.
Because our new Attorney General is Jeff Sessions,
the concept of golf expressed in man-form,
and he--he has been pretty clear where he stands on marijuana.
- This is not a non-dangerous drug.
This drug is dangerous.
You cannot play with it.
It's not funny.
It's not something to laugh about.
And trying to send that message with clarity,
that good people don't smoke marijuana.
Well, Lady Gaga said she's addicted to it,
and it is not harmless.
- Yeah, okay, Jeff.
But Lady Gaga also said,
"I believe that men and women
deserve to love each other equally,"
as well as, "Touch me in the dark.
Put your hands all over my body parts."
So please, Jeff, if you're going to live your life
according to Gaga quotes, accept the entire canon.
And listen, I'm not saying there shouldn't be laws
that place sensible restrictions on marijuana,
as there are with other substances,
but our federal laws desperately need to be brought up to date.
And perhaps there's no clearer sense of just how establishment
that view is becoming than this.
- The Cannabis Caucus is a bipartisan effort
to protect state marijuana laws
and blow out outdated federal prohibitions on weed.
Believe it or not, these are the guys pushing
for legalized pot in Congress.
- Yes, there is now a Cannabis Caucus in D.C.,
and it's co-chaired by these four narcs.
And if even an 83-year-old Republican from Alaska
has come around on this issue,
then it's probably time for our laws to catch up.
And there are a bunch of ideas out there.
One bill proposed just this week would remove marijuana
from the Controlled Substances Act,
and officially re-name the ATF,
the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Marijuana,
Firearms and Explosives, which does really make sense.
Just get all the awesome stuff together in one place.
In fact, why not keep going and make it
the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Marijuana,
Firearms, Explosives, Monster Trucks,
Motorcycle Jumps,
and Sick-Ass Leather Jackets with Tigers on Them.
And by the way,
that jacket is even sicker in person.
This is my jacket!
This was me this morning!
This is an actual $6,000 Gucci jacket,
and for anyone stupid enough to buy one of these,
it's worthless now!
I just made your jacket uncool and worthless by wearing it!
But that bill is just one proposal.
Fixing all of this is a huge undertaking.
Marijuana laws affect everything
from environmental regulations to international treaties,
and ideally we should also go back and expunge records
of people convicted of low-level marijuana offenses in the past.
And all of this, I know, is a lot of work,
which is why we should really start right now.
Because I would argue that it's absolutely worth it,
for people like Brandon Coats,
and for people like Danny Belcher,
and perhaps most of all, for Greg,
who has been freaking the fuck out this whole time.
I can see you, Greg,
and I can hear your thoughts.
And now, this.
- Can I do a little bit of the Marilyn Monroe?
- Yep. - Oh, please, do.
- Can I go over to you? - Yes.
- ♪ Happy birthday Charlie Rose ♪
Hey, you're too cooperative.
- Watch the hands. - He knows what he's doing.
- Yeah, wow. - If he puts his hands
under here, stop him, okay?
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
- And finally this week,
a quick update regarding zebras.
Now, you may remember, on our last show,
we told you about Bolivian traffic zebras,
young people in costumes who direct cars
and promote road safety.
And at the end of that piece,
we made the case that adding zebras to things
is always an improvement.
We even uploaded 23 minutes of zebra footage
so you could add zebras to whatever you wanted.
And let me just say,
you people really came through for us.
To give you just a flavor.
You took Mariah Carey's New Year's Eve disaster
and vastly improved it with zebras,
you completely filled the White House Press room with them,
and you put zebras into movies,
like "The Shining,"
"Mad Max: Fury Road,"
and naturally, "Basic Instinct".
- It's nice.
- Thank you so much
for wasting so much of your time with us.
The point of this
was to make painful moments easier to swallow.
That's why we put a zebra into Trump's inauguration.
Well, someone took that to the next logical step.
'Cause remember Trump riding the escalator
to announce his candidacy?
It's a pretty horrible memory, right?
Well, get ready to have it slightly improved.
- ♪ With your baby in hand ♪
♪ And an old street light ♪
- It's better now.
That doesn't fundamentally change anything,
but it is just better now.
Now interestingly, adding zebras turns out
to make great moments even greater as well,
like this one.
- Good evening.
Tonight I can report to the American people and to the world
that the United States has conducted an operation
that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaeda.
- Yeah.
And that's what I will always remember now.
But perhaps the most exciting thing was the response
to our piece in Bolivia itself.
translator: I saw it live.
I was watching it on Sunday, "Last Week Tonight,"
John Oliver's program.
And suddenly he starts talking about the zebras.
I thought he was only going to comment,
and suddenly he keeps talking and talking.
He keeps talking.
- "I thought he was only going to comment,
"and suddenly he keeps talking and talking.
He keeps talking."
That is an entirely fair description of this show.
And it actually gets one step better,
because the cebritas themselves issued a public message.
- [speaking Spanish]
translator: John Oliver, we want to invite you
to La Paz, Bolivia, to be a zebra for one day.
The mayor of our Wonder City, Luis Revilla, agrees.
The 265 zebras are waiting in La Paz.
- Now, I know it's a friendly invitation,
but honestly there is no world in which the phrase
"265 zebras are waiting for you in La Paz"
does not sound like a genuine threat.
But it's true, I have been invited to be a zebra,
and sadly, I'm not going to be able to do that anytime soon,
'cause I have to be here.
So this is really a very disappointing moment
for both myself and the nation of Bolivia.
But as I think we both now know,
there is a real way to improve moments like this.
Hit!
[upbeat music]
It's better now!
That's our show!
Thank you so much for watching us.
Good night!
♪ ♪